For a long time, I thought the most important question in my life was:
“What is God calling me to be?”
A pastor?
A preacher?
Something bigger than what I’m doing right now?
I chased that question hard.
Especially after everything I’d been through.
Because My Story Wasn’t Normal
I made a promise to God on what felt like my deathbed:
If You bring me through this, I’ll become a pastor.
And then I lived.
But instead of clarity, I got questions.
And Then Came the Voices
Not just one or two.
Multiple people, at different times, saying things like:
“You’re called to preach” “God is going to use you” “You’re meant to lead”
Some of them didn’t even know me.
And when that happens enough, you start to wonder:
Is this God… or is this pressure?
So I Did What I Thought I Was Supposed to Do
I tried to figure it out.
I started reading Scripture more seriously.
I fasted.
I opened my Bible randomly, looking for direction.
I wanted something clear.
Something I couldn’t question.
And I Did Find Something, Just Not What I Expected
I kept landing in places like:
Book of Esther → pressure, uncertainty 1 Kings → “I don’t know what I’m doing” Book of Daniel → quiet faith under pressure Book of Jeremiah → heaviness, but not destruction Gospel of Mark → wilderness before anything public
None of it said:
“Here’s your title.”
All of it said:
“Here’s your posture.”
That Was the Shift
I realized I had been chasing something God wasn’t giving me.
I wanted:
a role a title a clear identity
But what I kept getting was:
alignment correction stillness
And Honestly, I Didn’t Like That at First
Because alignment is slow.
It’s quiet.
It doesn’t make you feel important.
It doesn’t give you something to announce.
It just… changes you.
The Truth I Had to Face
Somewhere along the way, I started believing:
If I don’t figure out my calling, I’m missing God.
But now I see it differently:
If I’m not aligned, I wouldn’t be ready for it anyway.
That Was the Shift
I realized I had been chasing something God wasn’t giving me.
I wanted:
a role a title a clear identity
But what I kept getting was:
alignment correction stillness
And Honestly, I Didn’t Like That at First
Because alignment is slow.
It’s quiet.
It doesn’t make you feel important.
It doesn’t give you something to announce.
It just… changes you.
The Truth I Had to Face
Somewhere along the way, I started believing:
If I don’t figure out my calling, I’m missing God.
But now I see it differently:
If I’m not aligned, I wouldn’t be ready for it anyway.
What Alignment Actually Looks Like for Me Right Now
It’s not a stage.
It’s not a title.
It’s not even fully clean or perfect.
It looks like:
not drinking anymore trying to understand Scripture instead of just quoting it being honest about where I’m at questioning things instead of blindly accepting them not forcing myself into something I don’t have peace about
It’s simple.
But it’s real.
And About That “Calling”
I’m not rejecting it.
I’m just not chasing it anymore.
Because if it’s real…
I won’t have to force it into existence.
What I Believe Now
I don’t think God is trying to hide my purpose from me.
I think He’s trying to prepare me for it.
And preparation doesn’t look like elevation.
It looks like alignment.
For anyone else who feels like they’re supposed to be “something more”…
Maybe the answer isn’t:
“What am I called to be?”
Maybe it’s:
“Am I aligned with who I’m supposed to be right now?”
Because if you get that right….
Everything else will come when it’s supposed to.